Photograph by Pablo Zuleta Zahr:



I saw Zuleta Zahr's work earlier this year in Aperture's reGeneration: 50 Photographers of Tomorrow exhibit and was fascinated by the patterns created by the subjects in his pieces. What's even more amazing is how he got these images. The Chilean photographer set up his video camera in the Santiago subway and shot for ten hours at a time. Then he arranged the stills in color-coordinated patterns, making sure no person appears more than one time.
The image above, "Chilean Women in Blue", is my favorite. And it's available though the Verona gallery Studio La Città(but I've been too scared to find out the price.)

Animal Shadows Vynil wall stickers by Domestic:



Without Penguin's arrival to prepare for, I have plenty of time to hunt for adorable products for a future baby (I'm trying to look on the bright side here, folks).

Yesterday I came across these great wall stickers by the French design company Domestic. I'm not a fan of most of the wall stickers out there (is it just me or is there a new company with wall stickers emerging every day?). Most of them are boring or pointless and the "kid" ones are all a little too expected.

Domestic's Vinyl line is the exception, though. They've invited a dozen or so international designers to create unexpected and hip wall art. Animal Shadows, by industrial designers Ana Mir and Emili Padros, will be perfect in future baby's nursery. Available from the great Canadian store ModernKid for $45.

I definitely could not covet any better friends. Thank you to everyone who has said such nice, empathetic sentiments either here, in emails or in real life.

But today I covet...

A more equal view of mothers and fathers.




As I mentioned before most people at work stopped asking me how I was doing several days ago. However, a few work friends continue to ask how Briar is doing. And even some friends who I have just told recently via email responded by asking about Bri, but not about my emotions. I just think this is odd. And so emblematic of the ingrained sexist stereotypes surrounding parenting.

In truth, I am doing quite a bit better than I was last week. And I think I'm doing better than Bri— probably only because I've moved into a place where I believe we'll go one to have a healthy baby next time (And because my body isn't running amuck like hers).

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled program....

I'm not one to talk much about personal things but I'm trying to take Bri's lead and get some of the sadnesss out. It's selfish— maybe if I write it down I will feel a little better.

When Bri called me from her OB's office, I was just getting ready to go to the gym. This is the only time I've been happy that I didn't get to the gym. I had been waiting for her call after the appointment but I figured since I hadn't heard from her and it was already an hour after the appointment time that things were fine. I wasn't worried about the health of the baby. What I was concerned about was that she wouldn't like the new doctors. Or that she would find out that they were actually too full to take her on as a patient. So when she wailed into the phone "It's dead", I couldn't believe it.

As I jumped on the subway (I learned from her past experiences to never take a taxi downtown from Midtown in the middle of the afternoon) to meet her at the doctor's office I thought there had definitely been a mistake. I thought I would just insist that they redo the ultrasound. Surely they would find out that things were fine.

When I got to Briar I hugged her and then immediately quizzed her if she had seen the ultrasound. I said maybe it was a mistake. But she assured me that the news was real. The last things I remember from that day were my thought "We need to try to have another baby immediately" and the midwife explained the various options of removing the dead baby. The rest of it is a blur.

I guess men (and partners) are sort of the lucky ones in this situation because we don't have to go through the physical process and pain that accompanies it. I wasn't the one who was going to have to have a dead baby sucked out of me. I wasn't the one who was going to have my hormones go haywire. But I was the one who could immediately feel the loss and the sadness. Bri spent the next 24-hours fearing the medical process while I spent the next 24-hours in mourning. When Bri woke me up in the middle of the night crying because she was freaked out about the fact that there was a dead baby inside her and it had to come out (holy shit), I was a zombie. I felt paralyzed by grief.

I think most people assume men don't feel as upset as their wives when a fetus dies. I'm not sure why this is but I can guarantee that they are wrong, wrong, wrong. My good friends know how horrid I feel and have checked in with me constantly, but my work colleagues don't really know what to do. I know that's partially because I hadn't even told everyone at work that Bri and I were expecting a baby (it's not something that really comes up for men and it's not like I had the automatic topic introducer of maternity clothes). The people who knew about the baby in the first place— such as my boss and my staff— are treating me gently. I have gotten a few "I'm sorry" emails. But that's it. It seems like I am expected to be over it. No one knows what to say to the father— we're supposed to just move on. Meanwhile everyone knows that the mother is going to devastated. I'm sure I won't cry as much as Bri and won't talk about it as much, not because I'm recovered but because that's how I am. In actuality I feel more sad than I have ever felt in my entire life. I know what it feels like to be clinically depressed. I know what it's like to be desperately suicidal. However, I have never known this type of sadness.

I know we will most likely go on to have a healthy baby some day and I know we'll eventually be able to put this behind us. I also know that even when Bri does conceive again that it will never feel the same as it did this time. I don't know if either of us will allow ourselves to feel the sort of happiness without trying to check our hearts a little in an attempt of self-preservation.

The only good thing that came out of all of this is that never during one minute of it did I not feel like a father. Never did I think of the sperm donor.

When we went into the whole process of trying to conceive, much of my time was spent feeling emasculated because of the fact that we needed to use donor sperm. I didn't feel like a real man. I constantly felt that I wouldn't be it's "real" father, that a baby wouldn't love me as much as it would if it was from my genetic material, that I wouldn't love it as much as I would love GMB or another child that is biologically mine. I know that all adoptive parents love their children just as much as biological parents, but I still thought that I would be different. I felt angry because Bri became friends online with only lesbian moms using donor sperm— it made me feel like she was trying to say that I was just a lesbian and not actually a man (I know this isn't rational and definitely not PC, but that's how emotions work, OK). I still hate, hate, hate the fact that I don't make sperm, that a baby will never be part of each of our genetics, but at least I know that whenever we do have a baby I will definitely be it's father and love it as much as if it was from my sperm.

Trace table by NaughtOne:



Even though we haven't yet found a home with enough room for a large dining table I'm still determined to get both. The 6-seater Trace table by the Leeds, England-based furniture company, NaughtOne, is my new favorite. It's available with an assortment of top materials, including oak and polished slate (with which I am entralled), and frame colors (of course, being a little boring, I like the black or white frames best).
And notice the rounded corners— very child friendly.

A cruise to Norway's Svalbard Archipelago:


Condé Nast Traveler highlighted Svalbard in their July issue and I immediately set my sights on this island in the Arctic Circle. This region features icebergs and glaciers, plus roaming polar bears, lounging seals, and fat walruses. Luckily late summer is the only time conditions allow for much visitation— Bri's work schedule works out perfectly for a change.

Clipper Cruises offers a nice 2-week cruise from Oslo and GAP Adventures offers a slightly shorter cruise. Both offer small Zodiac expeditions to see the wildlife. However, I really want one that will let me bring home a baby seal.

Photographs by Miklos Gaál:




A couple months ago I saw Gaál's work at an exhibit of young photographers at the Aperture Gallery. His work is very similar to that of Olivio Barbieri (see May 18 post) in that aerial scenes look like miniature train set scenes. Although his work isn't as polished as Barbieri's, there's still something intrquing about it.
I really love "Frozen sea" and some of Gaál's other photos that betray his Finnish roots.

Norman + Quaine "Chandra" credenza:



Norman + Quaine are an Australian design duo I've read about in the Aussie contemporary shelter book, Inside Out. I've fallen in love with this low credenza, which is also available with blonde wood doors and a white cabinet (of course Bri likes this supposedly "fun" version better).
I've decided that Australia, especially Melbourne and the southern part of the country, is the best place on earth. Of course, since I have not yet actually visited there, I'm not replacing Iceland as my favorite place in the world— yet. They have great design, good magazines, plus kangaroos, koalas and penguins. Maybe I can just get this credenza to hold me over until I muster the strength for the long plane ride (with a baby, teenager and a wife who can't sleep on planes).

A trip to the Remota lodge:



I've been coveting a trip to Patagonia for years (see my 01/26/2005 post and I just read about a hotel/resort near Puerto Natales, in the heart of Chilean Patagonia. The resort includes about a dozen excursions from which to choose each day— a boat trip through the glacial fjords, wildlife viewing, horseback riding and climbing to the base of Torres Del Paine.
How I wish we could discover an extra $6,000 for a 3-day stay there (plus a few days at a cheap little inn and an all-day glacier trek for me) before the little penguin arrives.

B&B Italia Landscape chaise:



American Jeffrey Bernett designed the Landscape Chaise in 2001, and last year it was updated with the addition of an armrest. The super-cool part of the chaise is that it has a magnetic headrest that can be positioned for maximum comfort and excellent posture.

Since Bri is well on her way to convincing me that we should purchase a new Ikea sofa instead of the more expensive one we found at Room & Board, I think that means we should also get this chaise. That only seems fair. (OK, I admit, the Ikea sofa is actually one of the nicest looking black leather couches that we've found. Why is it so difficult to find a contemporary leather sofa these days? Ok, we did see a couple other ones but they were $4000. $3000 is my limit of sanity.)

A healthy, adorable baby penguin who sleeps long and sound:



With the good news of our eventual new arrival, today I covet a little beast that is healthy and cute preferably with blue eyes (to match mine) and a penchant for sleep and all things stylish. And if it could also say one of the dog's names as its first word (as I did), be an early walker (like GMB did at 10 months) and be brilliant, I would be delighted. Also, if it looks a little like this penguin chick I promise to hold it on my feet whenever Bri is out.

Whitehaus Collection Aeri birch bathroom sink:



In our recent real estate quest, I've seen only one bathroom sink that I actually like. It's just another reason why I really want to renovate a building for ourselves. And when we do, I'm putting this rectangular birch sink with matching storage drawer (but not that ugly matching mirror) into one of the bathrooms. And nobody can stop me. (Well, I guess Bri could, but….)

Sony Alpha Digital SLR Camera:



Today's paper (I don't remember if it was the NY Times or the Wall St. Journal) announced the impending arrival of a new 10 MP digital SLR camera. Not only is it under $1000 (which is nearly half of what the 10 MP Nikon D200 costs) but Sony is also working with Carl Zeiss to produce high-end lenses for it.
I must say the snob in me feels that a Sony camera could never be as good as a Nikon or Canon, but Sony has just basically merged with Minolta (or I guess I should say Minolta just folded its camera business and gave its technology to Sony) which should make this a high quality camera.
I can't wait to see what user reviewers say about it over the next couple months. Maybe this will be my birthday present. (Hint, hint.)

"Log" benches and table:


Japanese designer Naoto Fukasawa created these clever hollow benches and side tables for classic Swedish furniture producer Swedese. At the right angle the oiled oak forms look just like felled trees. They would look great in our garden— hopefully the wood stands up to moisture!

Blu Dot : Strut Table




Yesterday was our first full day in SF and I had a couple design stores I wanted to check out. In all they were a little disappointing (they basically had all the same stuff as at home) but I did see this cool, long dining table from Blu Dot. Luckily it's available in white or robin's egg blue because I could never, ever have a hot pink object. It's lacquered steel, which would be great for wiping up spills-- and pet fur. And since we've been discussing doing white lacquered cabinets in a new kitchen it would be a perfect complement.

A bunny:


For the past two weeks I've been longing for Timothy the bunny, who is up for adoption from a cat shelter somewhere in Pennsylvania. He and his brother, Filbert, are about 3 1/2 months old now and I think would fit in well with our menagerie. In fact, Timothy looks quite a lot like Artemis (except for the gigantic ears, of course).
Bri says we don't need any more pets but she's obviously wrong.

Octahedron Vases:



Bri always says I don't need any more vases (OK, I do have a slight addiction to them; read whatever you want into that), but I think she is wrong this time. These Japanese molded stoneware bud vases from Garnet Hill look like origami creations. And they're on sale.

Luigi Bormioli Conica glasses:



I spotted these new Italian handblown geometric glasses in the Australian shelter magazine Inside Out, which isn't quite as good as the British LivingEtc. but is better than most American books. They are 12 1/2 ounces and would be perfect to replace all the Crate & Barrel glasses we've broken over the past few years. A set of 4 is only $15 at Amazon.com. At the price we can afford to continue to break them.

Arte dining table by Desiron:


I've always wanted a long dining table so we could actually have dinner parties with more than one or two guests. This Desiron table is available with a maple top as long as 8 feet. Now all we need is the new apartment that will fit such a thing.

Hanging Pearl lamp from Felt Studio:



This white lamp shade is made from wool felt. Crazy, since it looks more like painted wood. Felt Studio, founded by Canadian artist Kathryn Walter, makes fashions, home goods and practically anything else you can think of from industrial-grade felt. It sounds sort of bizarre but the results look great. The shade is cheap— only $250— and it's super eco-friendly since made mostly from waste material.