I weighed myself finally, totally fearful as I stepped on the scale at the gym. And I weigh the same as 2 weeks ago. Although it's obviously not as good as losing weight, I'm glad I didn't gain weight.
When I logged onto W W*atchers.com to enter my weight I was given the message of support and encouragement and some tips on how to possibly lose weight next week. And one of the tips was something that struck me as revolutionary-- "weigh yourself once a week, no matter how closely you stuck to the food plan." Maybe that seems obvious to most people but to me, someone totally afraid of failure, it was a moment of enlightenment.
When I was in one of the numerous eating disorder clinics I called home during high school we were weighed weekly with our backs to the numbers. For most of us the numbers on the scale held extreme power over us. To see it go up, like I needed to then, would have been too much to bear and would have made me feel like a complete failure. It still feels like that (but to a much less intense level) but maybe stepping on the scale every week even if I haven't worked out or have eaten a pound of Swedish Fish will help take away some of the trauma involved in the act.
11.08.2007
11.02.2007
Perfection or… candy
We're back from my business trip to Florida and I haven't been near the scale. Mostly because I didn't have a chance yesterday or today to go to the gym because I got into work late (because I overslept) and therefore can't really justify an hour lunch. But I'm also scared to step on the scale.
I am always scared to step on the scale but when I know I have been "good" I'm not nearly as scared. This week my diet was not perfect. I tried to keep track of W. W*atchers points in Florida but I didn't write them down like I should have. I never eat much at these kind of work events where we're servedrestaurant meals three times a day because the meals are never food I can (or will) eat-- I'm vegan, lactose intolerant and can't digest oil (plus I'm picky). But I only got to the gym two of the five days we were away and that made me mad at myself. When I get mad at myself for not being perfect I start up the "all or nothing thinking".
My "all or nothing" thought process goes something like this: "I suck because I should have gotten at least one more workout in. Now I'm not going to lose weight. I might as well eat a bunch of Swedish Fish since this week is basically ruined." So then I eat the Swedish Fish that were around for trick or treaters without adding them to W. W*atchers points. And once I eat them I feel like I've really ruined the week so why even bother eating healthy. After that I stop keeping track of how much I eat.
I think my biggest challenge is letting myself splurge sometimes without thinking I'm bad or that I've ruined the day. I need to stop looking for a perfect daily diet and exercise routine and give myself some room to skip the gym or to eat a little bag of Swedish Fish without beating myself up.
It seems obvious that it's better to just let myself have a small bag of Swedish Fish when I want it instead of occasionally just screwing myself and eating a big bag of candy. Instead, in the moment, it seems like the only right option is to avoid the candy completely. But then when I constantly avoid it I get pissed and really want it and then start the cycle all over again by eating way too much candy. Why is it so difficult to do something that is so logical? And
why am I always so hard on myself? And why do I seem to almost self-sabotage?
Anyone have any brilliant answers?
I am always scared to step on the scale but when I know I have been "good" I'm not nearly as scared. This week my diet was not perfect. I tried to keep track of W. W*atchers points in Florida but I didn't write them down like I should have. I never eat much at these kind of work events where we're servedrestaurant meals three times a day because the meals are never food I can (or will) eat-- I'm vegan, lactose intolerant and can't digest oil (plus I'm picky). But I only got to the gym two of the five days we were away and that made me mad at myself. When I get mad at myself for not being perfect I start up the "all or nothing thinking".
My "all or nothing" thought process goes something like this: "I suck because I should have gotten at least one more workout in. Now I'm not going to lose weight. I might as well eat a bunch of Swedish Fish since this week is basically ruined." So then I eat the Swedish Fish that were around for trick or treaters without adding them to W. W*atchers points. And once I eat them I feel like I've really ruined the week so why even bother eating healthy. After that I stop keeping track of how much I eat.
I think my biggest challenge is letting myself splurge sometimes without thinking I'm bad or that I've ruined the day. I need to stop looking for a perfect daily diet and exercise routine and give myself some room to skip the gym or to eat a little bag of Swedish Fish without beating myself up.
It seems obvious that it's better to just let myself have a small bag of Swedish Fish when I want it instead of occasionally just screwing myself and eating a big bag of candy. Instead, in the moment, it seems like the only right option is to avoid the candy completely. But then when I constantly avoid it I get pissed and really want it and then start the cycle all over again by eating way too much candy. Why is it so difficult to do something that is so logical? And
why am I always so hard on myself? And why do I seem to almost self-sabotage?
Anyone have any brilliant answers?
10.24.2007
10.19.2007
Transformation
This morning Bri told me she was annoyed that I was losing weight. She says no one can tell that I've gained weight.
She worries about me anytime I make a negative comment about my body
because she fears that I will spiral back into anorexia. And she gets
mad because she says I have a very distorted body image. She wasn't
with me during the worst of my anorexia but there have been times over
the past 10 years that I've reverted to my really sick behaviors and
gotten too thin. But that hasn't happened since I've become a guy.
It's difficult being a guy who used to be so full of hate toward his body
when it was a female. When I look at myself in the mirror and realize
that I have gotten rid of my female body, I am overjoyed. It's an
amazing feeling to finally feel good about my body. But yet I still
have worries that people look at me and think I look like a girl. I
worry about having a "bubble butt", not just because it makes finding
pants difficult and the lines of suits don't look quite right on me (in
my opinion), but because it makes me fear that I still look female.
And that's most of what makes me unhappy about gaining some weight. When I
was anorexic I was trying to achieve what I now realize was a male
body. I associate any presence of fat with female so when I gain a
couple pounds now I start thinking that it makes me look feminine. It
doesn't help that the first place I gain any weight is on the back of my ass! I would almost be happy to gain it in my gut, instead, like most men. (Of course if that happened I know I would still freak out about getting fat and would want to lose weight.)
I know that most of these worries aren't really grounded in "reality" but
they are still what drives me. I guess it's better then when I was a
woman and my only conscious thought about my body was hatred and a desire to make it disappear. Now I definitely don't want to disappear, I just want to make sure I look
like the best man I can.
10.17.2007
Coveting is changing gears, because, well, I need help.
For those of you who know me in real life you may have noticed I've gained a little weight since Bri's third trimester. Between planning for the baby, starting the renovation and now getting very little sleep, my gym schedule went completely out
the window and my eating became crap. Of course I am not fat now, but my clothes are all tight and I've noticed some extra padding in places I don't want padding. I'm accustomed to being thin and that's how I want to stay.
I've been trying to do We*ght W*tchers online but for the first time in my life I haven't had the motivation to stick to something on my own. It's not like me at all and it kind of freaks me out. Usually when I make up my mind to do something, I just
do it. End of story. But this is different for some reason. Maybe it's
all the stress and exhaustion and chaos in my life right now.
I thought about going to a We*ght W*tchers meeting just to have some other people to whom I'd feel accountable. But I'm not a joiner. Bri looked at me in horror when I first suggested it. She said I would not like it. And I know she is right— I hate groups. I am the complete opposite of my wife.
So I am making you, readers, help me stay accountable and motivated. Unlike my usual product posts (which I'm sure will still be included sometimes) I am actually going to write about personal and emotional stuff (we'll see how that goes). And every Wednesday I'm going to post how much weight I've lost (or gained… gulp) since the last week. I'm aiming to lose 19 pounds, which will put me in the middle of the We*ght W*tchers suggested weight range. Wish me luck
For those of you who know me in real life you may have noticed I've gained a little weight since Bri's third trimester. Between planning for the baby, starting the renovation and now getting very little sleep, my gym schedule went completely out
the window and my eating became crap. Of course I am not fat now, but my clothes are all tight and I've noticed some extra padding in places I don't want padding. I'm accustomed to being thin and that's how I want to stay.
I've been trying to do We*ght W*tchers online but for the first time in my life I haven't had the motivation to stick to something on my own. It's not like me at all and it kind of freaks me out. Usually when I make up my mind to do something, I just
do it. End of story. But this is different for some reason. Maybe it's
all the stress and exhaustion and chaos in my life right now.
I thought about going to a We*ght W*tchers meeting just to have some other people to whom I'd feel accountable. But I'm not a joiner. Bri looked at me in horror when I first suggested it. She said I would not like it. And I know she is right— I hate groups. I am the complete opposite of my wife.
So I am making you, readers, help me stay accountable and motivated. Unlike my usual product posts (which I'm sure will still be included sometimes) I am actually going to write about personal and emotional stuff (we'll see how that goes). And every Wednesday I'm going to post how much weight I've lost (or gained… gulp) since the last week. I'm aiming to lose 19 pounds, which will put me in the middle of the We*ght W*tchers suggested weight range. Wish me luck
9.19.2007
Ceiling lights for our upstairs landing:
Logico by Artemide
Doko by Lithonia
LK30 by Illuminating Experiences
Edge 21 by Artemide
The renovations are going swimmingly and now we have to think ahead to all
things that will be needed to complete the garden and parlor floors. I'm stuck, though, on the right ceiling light for the landing upstairs.
At top is the Logico by Artemide. I think it looks like a floating cloud, which would cool since it will mostly be seen as one looks up the staircase toward it. It will really look as if its floating.
The Doko is about $200 cheaper but not nearly as cool looking,
although it's simple shape makes it pleasing.Or does it make it just
look like a school light from the 70s?
The LK30
is maybe cool-- or maybe not. I can't make up my mind. But, it's priced
midway between the 1st two. Maybe I would like it better if it was
cheaper?
And then there's the Edge by Artemide, which is super cool, and dare I say, fun. It makes me laugh.
Logico by Artemide
Doko by Lithonia
LK30 by Illuminating Experiences
Edge 21 by Artemide
The renovations are going swimmingly and now we have to think ahead to all
things that will be needed to complete the garden and parlor floors. I'm stuck, though, on the right ceiling light for the landing upstairs.
At top is the Logico by Artemide. I think it looks like a floating cloud, which would cool since it will mostly be seen as one looks up the staircase toward it. It will really look as if its floating.
The Doko is about $200 cheaper but not nearly as cool looking,
although it's simple shape makes it pleasing.Or does it make it just
look like a school light from the 70s?
The LK30
is maybe cool-- or maybe not. I can't make up my mind. But, it's priced
midway between the 1st two. Maybe I would like it better if it was
cheaper?
And then there's the Edge by Artemide, which is super cool, and dare I say, fun. It makes me laugh.
6.11.2007
Zinc-like planters:
There are currently two ugly mismatched planters on our front stoop (with no plants). As soon as we close they are going in the trash and being replaced with these from Gardener's Supply Company. I love zinc planters but they are so expensive it's insane. These seem like a great alternative. They are affordable because they're actually made out of long-lasting and lightweight polyethylene. They'll look great once we have
some new lights and a new house number.
There are currently two ugly mismatched planters on our front stoop (with no plants). As soon as we close they are going in the trash and being replaced with these from Gardener's Supply Company. I love zinc planters but they are so expensive it's insane. These seem like a great alternative. They are affordable because they're actually made out of long-lasting and lightweight polyethylene. They'll look great once we have
some new lights and a new house number.
5.19.2007
Magis Stool_One
Someday I think we're going to have a pretty kitchen with a nice L-shaped counter. And then we'll have a few stools around it for snacking and drinking and chatting-- and feeding TK. Italian furniture company Magis makes these great aluminum stools, which match their Chair_One, which I have coveted ever since we saw it at the deYoung Musuem in San Fran last summer. Designed by German Konstantin Grcic, the intricate seat looks different based on the angle at which you view it. It's totally cool.
However, we saw a stool by Wud Furniture at Bklyn Designs last week, whith a coated cement seat. It would be amazing, too. But first we need to actually have the kitchen redone.
Someday I think we're going to have a pretty kitchen with a nice L-shaped counter. And then we'll have a few stools around it for snacking and drinking and chatting-- and feeding TK. Italian furniture company Magis makes these great aluminum stools, which match their Chair_One, which I have coveted ever since we saw it at the deYoung Musuem in San Fran last summer. Designed by German Konstantin Grcic, the intricate seat looks different based on the angle at which you view it. It's totally cool.
However, we saw a stool by Wud Furniture at Bklyn Designs last week, whith a coated cement seat. It would be amazing, too. But first we need to actually have the kitchen redone.
5.04.2007
Omnia brushed stainless steel door handles:
When we moved into our old apartment one of the things I wanted to do was replace the round knobs with sleek handles. I never did it, but now I have an excuse: The other night we tried to close the dogs out of our bedroom but when Bri pulled the door knob it pulled off in her hand. So, we need new door hardware. And new doors.
I really love the handles from Valli & Valli (especially this one by Brisitish architect and designer John Pawson), but they are outrageously expensive. Omnia makes very similar ones for about a third of the price, so they will do. I assume Bri will like the handle above best, but I really prefer this one.
Either one is a thousand times better than what we currently have.
When we moved into our old apartment one of the things I wanted to do was replace the round knobs with sleek handles. I never did it, but now I have an excuse: The other night we tried to close the dogs out of our bedroom but when Bri pulled the door knob it pulled off in her hand. So, we need new door hardware. And new doors.
I really love the handles from Valli & Valli (especially this one by Brisitish architect and designer John Pawson), but they are outrageously expensive. Omnia makes very similar ones for about a third of the price, so they will do. I assume Bri will like the handle above best, but I really prefer this one.
Either one is a thousand times better than what we currently have.
5.03.2007
Halo Ceiling Fan by Modern Fan Co.:
I'd like this fan in nickle with white opal glass to replace our hideous living room fans (perhaps Bri will post a picture soon). It was be placed fairly close to the ceiling so we don't have too much of our living room height eaten up. But at $320 on sale I think I'll have to look for other options for our bedrooms.
I'd like this fan in nickle with white opal glass to replace our hideous living room fans (perhaps Bri will post a picture soon). It was be placed fairly close to the ceiling so we don't have too much of our living room height eaten up. But at $320 on sale I think I'll have to look for other options for our bedrooms.
5.02.2007
Access Lighting Outdoor lights
Although the lights on the front of our home are one of the few parts of the home that seem to be less than 30 years old, there are also one of the easiest things for me to fixate on since they will be very easy to change.
I am enamored by both of these lights by Access
Lighting. The Myra (top) is the more expensive of the two at
$86 but both of them are 10% off at Lighting By
Gregory on the Bowery. And either one will look great with our new house number.
Although the lights on the front of our home are one of the few parts of the home that seem to be less than 30 years old, there are also one of the easiest things for me to fixate on since they will be very easy to change.
I am enamored by both of these lights by Access
Lighting. The Myra (top) is the more expensive of the two at
$86 but both of them are 10% off at Lighting By
Gregory on the Bowery. And either one will look great with our new house number.
4.30.2007
Yes, Coveting is back. It is now "Coveting, the renovation edition."
Keep posted to see all things related to our brownstone remodeling project.
To start off, I'm starting small.
Signo House Numbers
What's so great about this house number from Chiasso? Besides being stainless steel and in a Helvetica-like
font, the best part is its tiny price tag of $18. Definitely beats the
DWR Neutra House numbers , which although beautiful, Bri tells me they are overpriced at $75 each.
Keep posted to see all things related to our brownstone remodeling project.
To start off, I'm starting small.
Signo House Numbers
What's so great about this house number from Chiasso? Besides being stainless steel and in a Helvetica-like
font, the best part is its tiny price tag of $18. Definitely beats the
DWR Neutra House numbers , which although beautiful, Bri tells me they are overpriced at $75 each.
1.13.2007
I'm streamlining my blogging/web efforts and merging Coveting with LexieLew.com. Now the LexieLew.com blog will routinely feature my home-product desires, as well as my new favorite pet items. Please visit me there!
12.21.2006
David Maisel "Oblivion" photos:
Today was the beginning of my holiday respite from work. To celebrate I visited a slew of photo exhibits in Chelsea. One of the best pieces I saw was from David Maisel's new series "Oblivion" and was called simply "Oblivion 1383-50."
Maisel is known for showing environmental impact via aerial photography. At such a distance, though, the ever-constant expansion of L.A. looks abstract and to me, beautiful.
Today was the beginning of my holiday respite from work. To celebrate I visited a slew of photo exhibits in Chelsea. One of the best pieces I saw was from David Maisel's new series "Oblivion" and was called simply "Oblivion 1383-50."
Maisel is known for showing environmental impact via aerial photography. At such a distance, though, the ever-constant expansion of L.A. looks abstract and to me, beautiful.
12.13.2006
"Icy Prospects" Photograph by Jorma Puranen:
Finnish photographer Jorma Puranen created these amazing, painterly photographs by capturing the reflection of nature on the surface of a wooden board painted with black, glossy alkyd paint. The photos have a Gerhard Richter-esque feel.
I need a trip to Galerie Anhava in Helsinki to make a little purchase. I think a trip to Finland with the bambino will be in order if said baby actually makes it into the world (preferably if there is only one bambino and it is small enough to sit in a Baby Bjorn all day as I traipse through museums and galleries).
Finnish photographer Jorma Puranen created these amazing, painterly photographs by capturing the reflection of nature on the surface of a wooden board painted with black, glossy alkyd paint. The photos have a Gerhard Richter-esque feel.
I need a trip to Galerie Anhava in Helsinki to make a little purchase. I think a trip to Finland with the bambino will be in order if said baby actually makes it into the world (preferably if there is only one bambino and it is small enough to sit in a Baby Bjorn all day as I traipse through museums and galleries).
12.01.2006
A platypus:
Once again I find myself enamored by an animal that only lives in Australia.
I don't know what started this recent obsession, but early this week I found myself trolling through Google images looking at adorable baby platypuses (yes, that really is the plural).
The Eastern part of Australia is the only place where Playpuses can be found in the wild, which is really perfect since that has become my travel destination of choice (or compulsion, really— I think Melbourne could be my new favorite city). They were introduced to Kangaroo Island and now thrive there, as well, making it home to all my favorite animals except chimps (see post from Jan 27).
Together with the four species of echidna, the playpus is one of only five species of monotremes, mammals that lay eggs instead of giving birth to live young. Platypuses spend as much as 12-hours a day in the water but sleep in burrows on the riverbank not far from the water mark and usually hidden by roots or plants. A platypus' "bill" is not a beak like a duck's, it's actually a sensory organ with the mouth on the underside and nostrils on the dorsal surface.
The craziest thing about the platypus is that males have venomous ankle spurs that can kill smaller animals. The venom isn't lethal to humans, but it does produce excruciating pain that can incapacitate the victim. That's why I'll be adopting a female for myself.
Once again I find myself enamored by an animal that only lives in Australia.
I don't know what started this recent obsession, but early this week I found myself trolling through Google images looking at adorable baby platypuses (yes, that really is the plural).
The Eastern part of Australia is the only place where Playpuses can be found in the wild, which is really perfect since that has become my travel destination of choice (or compulsion, really— I think Melbourne could be my new favorite city). They were introduced to Kangaroo Island and now thrive there, as well, making it home to all my favorite animals except chimps (see post from Jan 27).
Together with the four species of echidna, the playpus is one of only five species of monotremes, mammals that lay eggs instead of giving birth to live young. Platypuses spend as much as 12-hours a day in the water but sleep in burrows on the riverbank not far from the water mark and usually hidden by roots or plants. A platypus' "bill" is not a beak like a duck's, it's actually a sensory organ with the mouth on the underside and nostrils on the dorsal surface.
The craziest thing about the platypus is that males have venomous ankle spurs that can kill smaller animals. The venom isn't lethal to humans, but it does produce excruciating pain that can incapacitate the victim. That's why I'll be adopting a female for myself.
11.21.2006
Aberdeen desk by Wonk:
Wonk is a Brooklyn based furniture company that tries to produce beautiful and functional pieces that are also affordable. The Aberdeen desk is so sleek it definitely doesn't look affordable. The website doesn't list prices so maybe a little trek to Dumbo is in order.
Wonk is a Brooklyn based furniture company that tries to produce beautiful and functional pieces that are also affordable. The Aberdeen desk is so sleek it definitely doesn't look affordable. The website doesn't list prices so maybe a little trek to Dumbo is in order.
11.15.2006
6 more decades with my Bri:
Exactly 10 years ago (well 10 years minus 1 hour) Bri showed up at my apartment door. She wasn't what I had expected when I agreed to the blind date. After that night I decided she would be a good fling. I thought it would last a few months. Three months later she made me go away with her for a romantic weekend. I thought she was very pushy and I still thought she was just a distraction. Nine months later she moved in with me. I knew then she wasn't a fling but I wasn't so sure this would be permanent. I am so very glad I was wrong every step of the way. And I'm glad she was so sure of us.
Exactly 10 years ago (well 10 years minus 1 hour) Bri showed up at my apartment door. She wasn't what I had expected when I agreed to the blind date. After that night I decided she would be a good fling. I thought it would last a few months. Three months later she made me go away with her for a romantic weekend. I thought she was very pushy and I still thought she was just a distraction. Nine months later she moved in with me. I knew then she wasn't a fling but I wasn't so sure this would be permanent. I am so very glad I was wrong every step of the way. And I'm glad she was so sure of us.
11.13.2006
Wingard Mod white wreath:
I love Christmas but I hate all those cheesy red and green Santa-themed decorations.
I like a nice white, winter-wonderland theme for the holidays and I think this wreath is a great opener. And the powder-coated steel means it lasts a lot longer than those traditonal pine wreathes.
I love Christmas but I hate all those cheesy red and green Santa-themed decorations.
I like a nice white, winter-wonderland theme for the holidays and I think this wreath is a great opener. And the powder-coated steel means it lasts a lot longer than those traditonal pine wreathes.
10.25.2006
Valenki boots:
These 100% wool winter boots are like the boots worn in Russia for hundreds of years. They have low rubber removable golashes that make them perfect for snowy winter days. I know Bri will think they are ridiculous but I think they are funky yet practical. I can't believe no one brought these back before now. And hopefully this will end the trend of college girls wearing Uggs with mini skirts.
These 100% wool winter boots are like the boots worn in Russia for hundreds of years. They have low rubber removable golashes that make them perfect for snowy winter days. I know Bri will think they are ridiculous but I think they are funky yet practical. I can't believe no one brought these back before now. And hopefully this will end the trend of college girls wearing Uggs with mini skirts.