Week 1 status report: 3 pounds lost!
I managed to eat everything I was "allowed" to eat on W Watchers without eating too much or getting my freaked-out-not-wanting-to-eat thing. Yeah me.



This morning Bri told me she was annoyed that I was losing weight. She says no one can tell that I've gained weight.

She worries about me anytime I make a negative comment about my body
because she fears that I will spiral back into anorexia. And she gets
mad because she says I have a very distorted body image. She wasn't
with me during the worst of my anorexia but there have been times over
the past 10 years that I've reverted to my really sick behaviors and
gotten too thin. But that hasn't happened since I've become a guy.

It's difficult being a guy who used to be so full of hate toward his body
when it was a female. When I look at myself in the mirror and realize
that I have gotten rid of my female body, I am overjoyed. It's an
amazing feeling to finally feel good about my body. But yet I still
have worries that people look at me and think I look like a girl. I
worry about having a "bubble butt", not just because it makes finding
pants difficult and the lines of suits don't look quite right on me (in
my opinion), but because it makes me fear that I still look female.

And that's most of what makes me unhappy about gaining some weight. When I
was anorexic I was trying to achieve what I now realize was a male
body. I associate any presence of fat with female so when I gain a
couple pounds now I start thinking that it makes me look feminine. It
doesn't help that the first place I gain any weight is on the back of my ass! I would almost be happy to gain it in my gut, instead, like most men. (Of course if that happened I know I would still freak out about getting fat and would want to lose weight.)

I know that most of these worries aren't really grounded in "reality" but
they are still what drives me. I guess it's better then when I was a
woman and my only conscious thought about my body was hatred and a desire to make it disappear. Now I definitely don't want to disappear, I just want to make sure I look
like the best man I can.


Coveting is changing gears, because, well, I need help.
For those of you who know me in real life you may have noticed I've gained a little weight since Bri's third trimester. Between planning for the baby, starting the renovation and now getting very little sleep, my gym schedule went completely out
the window and my eating became crap. Of course I am not fat now, but my clothes are all tight and I've noticed some extra padding in places I don't want padding. I'm accustomed to being thin and that's how I want to stay.

I've been trying to do We*ght W*tchers online but for the first time in my life I haven't had the motivation to stick to something on my own. It's not like me at all and it kind of freaks me out. Usually when I make up my mind to do something, I just
do it. End of story. But this is different for some reason. Maybe it's
all the stress and exhaustion and chaos in my life right now.
I thought about going to a We*ght W*tchers meeting just to have some other people to whom I'd feel accountable. But I'm not a joiner. Bri looked at me in horror when I first suggested it. She said I would not like it. And I know she is right— I hate groups. I am the complete opposite of my wife.

So I am making you, readers, help me stay accountable and motivated. Unlike my usual product posts (which I'm sure will still be included sometimes) I am actually going to write about personal and emotional stuff (we'll see how that goes). And every Wednesday I'm going to post how much weight I've lost (or gained… gulp) since the last week. I'm aiming to lose 19 pounds, which will put me in the middle of the We*ght W*tchers suggested weight range. Wish me luck