Another week, another weight/wait.

I was actually strangely less scared of weighing myself this week (only put it off for a day) and was happy to have lost 2 pounds. To convince myself to weigh myself I thought how my pants were feeling looser, which then got me all excited and I half-expected to have lost 4 pounds or something. So when I saw he 2-pound loss I was a little sad and annoyed with myself. But then I tried to make myself happy with the smaller loss. And I realized that I actually had Swedish Fish this week because we went to I*kea and I got a bag there. I amazing had it last for the entire weekend, which might have been a first. Part of myself wanted to eat all of them on the ride home but I stopped myself. But then the next day I ate the rest of them and had a few minutes when I thought I had just screwed everything so I should just throw in the towel for the day. Then I added up the W W*atchers points and realized I was totally fine.

Next week we'll be away for the holidays and I don't want to weigh myself on a different scale. In fact I'm only weighing myself at the E*quinox near my office instead of any of the other locations I go to. That feels safer to me. So, it will be almost 2 weeks between weigh-ins. That feels sort of nice but also scary-- what if I gain weight during all that time? Thanksgiving foods don't hold any interest for me but the airport bulk candy and dried fruit stands sure do.


I weighed myself finally, totally fearful as I stepped on the scale at the gym. And I weigh the same as 2 weeks ago. Although it's obviously not as good as losing weight, I'm glad I didn't gain weight.
When I logged onto W W*atchers.com to enter my weight I was given the message of support and encouragement and some tips on how to possibly lose weight next week. And one of the tips was something that struck me as revolutionary-- "weigh yourself once a week, no matter how closely you stuck to the food plan." Maybe that seems obvious to most people but to me, someone totally afraid of failure, it was a moment of enlightenment.
When I was in one of the numerous eating disorder clinics I called home during high school we were weighed weekly with our backs to the numbers. For most of us the numbers on the scale held extreme power over us. To see it go up, like I needed to then, would have been too much to bear and would have made me feel like a complete failure. It still feels like that (but to a much less intense level) but maybe stepping on the scale every week even if I haven't worked out or have eaten a pound of Swedish Fish will help take away some of the trauma involved in the act.


Perfection or… candy

We're back from my business trip to Florida and I haven't been near the scale. Mostly because I didn't have a chance yesterday or today to go to the gym because I got into work late (because I overslept) and therefore can't really justify an hour lunch. But I'm also scared to step on the scale.

I am always scared to step on the scale but when I know I have been "good" I'm not nearly as scared. This week my diet was not perfect. I tried to keep track of W. W*atchers points in Florida but I didn't write them down like I should have. I never eat much at these kind of work events where we're servedrestaurant meals three times a day because the meals are never food I can (or will) eat-- I'm vegan, lactose intolerant and can't digest oil (plus I'm picky). But I only got to the gym two of the five days we were away and that made me mad at myself. When I get mad at myself for not being perfect I start up the "all or nothing thinking".

My "all or nothing" thought process goes something like this: "I suck because I should have gotten at least one more workout in. Now I'm not going to lose weight. I might as well eat a bunch of Swedish Fish since this week is basically ruined." So then I eat the Swedish Fish that were around for trick or treaters without adding them to W. W*atchers points. And once I eat them I feel like I've really ruined the week so why even bother eating healthy. After that I stop keeping track of how much I eat.

I think my biggest challenge is letting myself splurge sometimes without thinking I'm bad or that I've ruined the day. I need to stop looking for a perfect daily diet and exercise routine and give myself some room to skip the gym or to eat a little bag of Swedish Fish without beating myself up.

It seems obvious that it's better to just let myself have a small bag of Swedish Fish when I want it instead of occasionally just screwing myself and eating a big bag of candy. Instead, in the moment, it seems like the only right option is to avoid the candy completely. But then when I constantly avoid it I get pissed and really want it and then start the cycle all over again by eating way too much candy. Why is it so difficult to do something that is so logical? And
why am I always so hard on myself? And why do I seem to almost self-sabotage?

Anyone have any brilliant answers?