Perfection or… candy

We're back from my business trip to Florida and I haven't been near the scale. Mostly because I didn't have a chance yesterday or today to go to the gym because I got into work late (because I overslept) and therefore can't really justify an hour lunch. But I'm also scared to step on the scale.

I am always scared to step on the scale but when I know I have been "good" I'm not nearly as scared. This week my diet was not perfect. I tried to keep track of W. W*atchers points in Florida but I didn't write them down like I should have. I never eat much at these kind of work events where we're servedrestaurant meals three times a day because the meals are never food I can (or will) eat-- I'm vegan, lactose intolerant and can't digest oil (plus I'm picky). But I only got to the gym two of the five days we were away and that made me mad at myself. When I get mad at myself for not being perfect I start up the "all or nothing thinking".

My "all or nothing" thought process goes something like this: "I suck because I should have gotten at least one more workout in. Now I'm not going to lose weight. I might as well eat a bunch of Swedish Fish since this week is basically ruined." So then I eat the Swedish Fish that were around for trick or treaters without adding them to W. W*atchers points. And once I eat them I feel like I've really ruined the week so why even bother eating healthy. After that I stop keeping track of how much I eat.

I think my biggest challenge is letting myself splurge sometimes without thinking I'm bad or that I've ruined the day. I need to stop looking for a perfect daily diet and exercise routine and give myself some room to skip the gym or to eat a little bag of Swedish Fish without beating myself up.

It seems obvious that it's better to just let myself have a small bag of Swedish Fish when I want it instead of occasionally just screwing myself and eating a big bag of candy. Instead, in the moment, it seems like the only right option is to avoid the candy completely. But then when I constantly avoid it I get pissed and really want it and then start the cycle all over again by eating way too much candy. Why is it so difficult to do something that is so logical? And
why am I always so hard on myself? And why do I seem to almost self-sabotage?

Anyone have any brilliant answers?


Irina said...

I can tell you what my nutritionist would have told me in this instance: you would have to eat at least a pound of swedish fish on a daily basis for a couple of weeks to see an actual weight gain from that kind of snacking.

I know how hard it is not to be negative,but the reward for actually giving yourself a break is huge. Which, I'm guessing, you know from your own experience.

I'm not saying, by the way, that you won't feel bloated and uncomfortable from eating shitty foods and snacks, but a treat, a daily treat even, is vital to this process.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Jennifer said...

Wow...I came here looking for doggy beds and was shocked to read your post! It sounds exactly like mine from yesterday...is there a full moon or something??

I have to say I understand all too well the all-or-nothing mentality. I've coined it AONA. AONA leads to the self sabotage. My question is: Do you talk about it in real life? That seems to be key, I think, having someone there who can stop you from derailing. For me, triggers are things like gummi bears...one bag and suddenly I take a week off at the gym and I am eating everything in site.

And the scale...don't even get me started on that. They should be thrown out. I do the same thing...step on every morning and let the number on it determine my day. And even when I have been realy good and the number is half a pound over what I think it should be, well, that sets me off too.

I could go on for hours on this subject... I wish I had answers for you but I am struggling with the same thing right now. I think it is key to talk about it with someone in real life; someone (like your wife!) who can help you get on track, even if it means clearing the house of trigger. Does that seem too extreme?

westryg said...

Thanks you two.
Jennifer, Bri is really good about making sure that if there are Swedish Fish around that she hides them from me. She is completely supportive. However, because she's so "normal" about weight and body stuff, I think a lot of the time she doesn't quite understand why I am so hard on myself or why I even want to be any thinner.
As for the scale, I don't allow us to have one because I know I would do exactly what you do-- in fact I did that for many years.
And you need to be nicer to yourself-- you did just have a baby you know!