This morning Bri told me she was annoyed that I was losing weight. She says no one can tell that I've gained weight.
She worries about me anytime I make a negative comment about my body
because she fears that I will spiral back into anorexia. And she gets
mad because she says I have a very distorted body image. She wasn't
with me during the worst of my anorexia but there have been times over
the past 10 years that I've reverted to my really sick behaviors and
gotten too thin. But that hasn't happened since I've become a guy.
It's difficult being a guy who used to be so full of hate toward his body
when it was a female. When I look at myself in the mirror and realize
that I have gotten rid of my female body, I am overjoyed. It's an
amazing feeling to finally feel good about my body. But yet I still
have worries that people look at me and think I look like a girl. I
worry about having a "bubble butt", not just because it makes finding
pants difficult and the lines of suits don't look quite right on me (in
my opinion), but because it makes me fear that I still look female.
And that's most of what makes me unhappy about gaining some weight. When I
was anorexic I was trying to achieve what I now realize was a male
body. I associate any presence of fat with female so when I gain a
couple pounds now I start thinking that it makes me look feminine. It
doesn't help that the first place I gain any weight is on the back of my ass! I would almost be happy to gain it in my gut, instead, like most men. (Of course if that happened I know I would still freak out about getting fat and would want to lose weight.)
I know that most of these worries aren't really grounded in "reality" but
they are still what drives me. I guess it's better then when I was a
woman and my only conscious thought about my body was hatred and a desire to make it disappear. Now I definitely don't want to disappear, I just want to make sure I look
like the best man I can.