This morning Bri told me she was annoyed that I was losing weight. She says no one can tell that I've gained weight.

She worries about me anytime I make a negative comment about my body
because she fears that I will spiral back into anorexia. And she gets
mad because she says I have a very distorted body image. She wasn't
with me during the worst of my anorexia but there have been times over
the past 10 years that I've reverted to my really sick behaviors and
gotten too thin. But that hasn't happened since I've become a guy.

It's difficult being a guy who used to be so full of hate toward his body
when it was a female. When I look at myself in the mirror and realize
that I have gotten rid of my female body, I am overjoyed. It's an
amazing feeling to finally feel good about my body. But yet I still
have worries that people look at me and think I look like a girl. I
worry about having a "bubble butt", not just because it makes finding
pants difficult and the lines of suits don't look quite right on me (in
my opinion), but because it makes me fear that I still look female.

And that's most of what makes me unhappy about gaining some weight. When I
was anorexic I was trying to achieve what I now realize was a male
body. I associate any presence of fat with female so when I gain a
couple pounds now I start thinking that it makes me look feminine. It
doesn't help that the first place I gain any weight is on the back of my ass! I would almost be happy to gain it in my gut, instead, like most men. (Of course if that happened I know I would still freak out about getting fat and would want to lose weight.)

I know that most of these worries aren't really grounded in "reality" but
they are still what drives me. I guess it's better then when I was a
woman and my only conscious thought about my body was hatred and a desire to make it disappear. Now I definitely don't want to disappear, I just want to make sure I look
like the best man I can.


cristin said...

ok, I didn't know you were anorexic. You aren't being held accountable at all to lose weight. And if Bri says you don't need to lose any, then I'm sure you don't.

For what it's worth, I don't think you look feminine at all. When I first started reading Bri's blog, and then clicked on the pictures of you all I had to re read what she wrote because I wasn't putting everything together because I couldn't believe that you were born female. I finally figured out who every one was in the pictures (it wasn't flickr then, what was it? just some squares of photos or something) and my first thought was that I didn't look like you had made a transition at all. Not that it matters anyway. I just wanted to put it out there of my first impression of you since you said that was your concern.

westryg said...

Thanks Cristin. I love hearing that you wouldn't have known I was born a girl.
And I really do need to lose some weight-- Bri is just very loving and generous!

Eumaios the Swineherd said...

Hi Wes - I just found your new posts. It is SO hard to exercise with a new baby. I really miss it. Yet feel guilty when I'm not spending time with the baby. So Derek and I can both totally relate.
I always think that I'll do WW if I decide I need to lose weight post-BF. (NO dieting for me while breastfeeding)
That said, I know Bri is being honest when she says you look great! And sometimes even *I* (who knew you before) am shocked when I remember that you were born female. So I hope you don't become too worried about body stuff.
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.
-Melissa (not eumaios)

westryg said...

Thanks Melissa. You're the best.

gypsygrrl said...

hi wes,

this is gypsygrrl (kissesandcompliments.com) and i havent been to your blog in awhile.

i just wanted to say hello and thank you for sharing your body-image stuff here. not that i am happy in any way that you are struggling with body issues, but its good to know we all have them, no matter what size or place we are in in our lives :}

even with your current frustrations it sounds like you are in a million times better place since transitioning. i cant imagine feeling such hatred for your body all the time. wait. in a small way, i think i can ~ i am post-weight loss surgery and have extensive extra skin, and what is in that mirrored reflection is SO NOT ME in my mind. it is an effort to not let it swallow me up and drown me some days. i keep hanging onto there being a day when i can finally have my reconstructive surgery and feel like i am ~normal~ and all.

take good care of yourself!


PS ~ i echo what cristin said about not realizing you had been born female until bri mentioned it. i wouldnt have ever known. and i am not saying that just to say it :}

PPS ~ swedish fish are evil. those big bags never seem like they are a BIG bag, yannow? (they are my favs too)