Never enough time to blog
I'm resorting to bullet-point-blogging because I simply don't have time to really blog. So, I will present my main themes in a Power Po*nt-like format.
• My eating and exercise has been crap, crap, crap ever since Dec 20th. It has not been a good start to a new year at all and it makes me so angry with myself. And the angrier I am, the worse I seem to do. I got a cold, which meant I couldn't work out, which meant I just started eating junk. The cold has lasted three weeks now. I think I am now better enough to go to the gym tomorrow.
• Last night Bri said to me that a friend and fellow blogger was having a difficult food/body time and so she wasn't going to read my blog in case I was doing better than she is. And then Bri said, "I'm happy I don't have the food and body weirdness issue you two have." I wish I didn't have these issues.
• Sometimes I sneak eat. I just bought 3 oatmeal-raisin cookies when I bought my lunch (a low-fat mango smoothie-- I know, it's not a real lunch) at my office cafeteria. I quickly ate the cookies in my office before people saw me eating them. Why did I buy the cookies? Because I don't feel well enough to go to the gym and somewhere in my fucked-up logic that means I shouldn't even try to be healthy and lose weight. Why don't I want anyone to know I'm eating crap? Part of it is because I can't digest the stuff in the cookies (oil and dairy) and people know that. And so I don't want to explain why I'm eating something that will make me feel ill. But part of it is because I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed I'm not sticking to my diet and I'm ashamed that I don't always eat "perfectly". Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up and eat junk food. Several years ago I "sleep ate". I was taking a medication to help me sleep and it made me really out of it. It turned out that I actually ate ice cream in my sleep. Really not a good thing since I'm lactose-intolerant! But now I have no excuse. If I've had a crappy food day I sometimes just find myself eating junk at 4am when the dog wakes me up. But I would never eat it if Bri was in the kitchen with me or if other people were around. And it's not even stuff I really love. It's almost like I'm thinking, "tomorrow's another day and I need to eat perfectly starting then. But until then I'm going to cram as much crap into myself as possible because I don't know when I'll ever get another chance."
• How can I stop this rollercoaster? How can I get myself to actually not go completely down hill if I miss the gym one day or I over eat a little one day?