1.15.2008

Never enough time to blog

I'm resorting to bullet-point-blogging because I simply don't have time to really blog. So, I will present my main themes in a Power Po*nt-like format.

• My eating and exercise has been crap, crap, crap ever since Dec 20th. It has not been a good start to a new year at all and it makes me so angry with myself. And the angrier I am, the worse I seem to do. I got a cold, which meant I couldn't work out, which meant I just started eating junk. The cold has lasted three weeks now. I think I am now better enough to go to the gym tomorrow.

• Last night Bri said to me that a friend and fellow blogger was having a difficult food/body time and so she wasn't going to read my blog in case I was doing better than she is. And then Bri said, "I'm happy I don't have the food and body weirdness issue you two have." I wish I didn't have these issues.

• Sometimes I sneak eat. I just bought 3 oatmeal-raisin cookies when I bought my lunch (a low-fat mango smoothie-- I know, it's not a real lunch) at my office cafeteria. I quickly ate the cookies in my office before people saw me eating them. Why did I buy the cookies? Because I don't feel well enough to go to the gym and somewhere in my fucked-up logic that means I shouldn't even try to be healthy and lose weight. Why don't I want anyone to know I'm eating crap? Part of it is because I can't digest the stuff in the cookies (oil and dairy) and people know that. And so I don't want to explain why I'm eating something that will make me feel ill. But part of it is because I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed I'm not sticking to my diet and I'm ashamed that I don't always eat "perfectly". Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up and eat junk food. Several years ago I "sleep ate". I was taking a medication to help me sleep and it made me really out of it. It turned out that I actually ate ice cream in my sleep. Really not a good thing since I'm lactose-intolerant! But now I have no excuse. If I've had a crappy food day I sometimes just find myself eating junk at 4am when the dog wakes me up. But I would never eat it if Bri was in the kitchen with me or if other people were around. And it's not even stuff I really love. It's almost like I'm thinking, "tomorrow's another day and I need to eat perfectly starting then. But until then I'm going to cram as much crap into myself as possible because I don't know when I'll ever get another chance."

• How can I stop this rollercoaster? How can I get myself to actually not go completely down hill if I miss the gym one day or I over eat a little one day?

4 comments:

cristin said...

I'm sorry you're struggling, not with the weight, because I don't think you're overweight, but with your food/perfection issues. It sounds like they really bother you. I wonder what advice you would give to a friend in this situation. Maybe if you could think of yourself as this 'friend' you could see past the need to be perfect.

I don't know. That probably wasn't great advice, just the first thing that popped into my head. I know it's an 'easier said than done' type of thing.

msdee said...

Like my wise Weight Wa*chers guru told me"Better ups and downs then just "ups"

Shelli said...

Being a fellow food issue person, I'll just share what I heard once:

"count it as a vegetable, and move on."

It's the mind fucking that messes us up. Really. Just try to be gentler with yourself.

It's not easy at first. But it gets better.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Wes. I just found these new weight/body image posts. I had no idea all of this was going on with you! As you know, I completely understand much of what you describe and I'm sorry that you are feeling unhappy about your weight lately. I'm not going to tell you that you look great (although you do) and don't need to worry about your weight, because I know from experience that what I think does not matter one bit. It's so hard to know how best to deal with this stuff when you've been way too hard on yourself in a dangerous way in the past. For years I went (for me) too far in the other direction (i.e. refusing to restrict myself and eating too much and being miserable about my weight) and then I somehow found the style of eating that works for me - I can indulge, be flexible, and still maintain my "ideal" weight, or correct it quickly when things start moving up. But getting there was such a long, hard road for me. (And I will admit that now that I have gained 47 pounds and counting with these twins I do worry that I will not be able to get back there again as easily...) Okay, enough rambling! All I really want to say is that I know you will sort it out and get back to what makes you feel good about yourself. It was an important lesson for me to give myself permission to try to lose weight again (since, like you, I had to disallow that for a long time) and to realize I was not going to go right back to something unhealthy. I spent years trying to convince myself that I should just accept my fatter self instead. I'm so much happier now that I've gotten over that. Not that it's not important to guard against anorexic relapse, of course...but there is a lot of middle ground to live in and you are so much older, wiser, and happier now! Much love and strength. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I know these issues can be hard for Bri to relate to sometimes, but not me. xx- Asia